The Gap Between Expectations and Reality

Something about turning 26 years old elicited an unexpected quarter-of-a-century-reflection period that has lasted the year for me. I am suddenly acutely aware of the finiteness of my life and the warp speed by which it travels. I can hear my grandparents chuckle as this "20-something" examines his feelings of becoming older and reflects on life's brevity. Though perhaps premature for a "mid-life crisis", I believe this period represents an important point of re-examination and adjustments. At the risk of making this post emotional pornography, I will share my experience with living the gap between expectations and reality with the hope of providing another perspective and encouragement.

Reviewing these 6 months of being 26, I see that I have found myself living out of a place of anxiety, fear, and sadness. I believe much of the backdrop behind these feelings is the gap I see and feel more acutely than ever between expectations and reality.

One summer night, three friends dreamt together about where we would be in ten years: A teacher. A physician. A parent. Living on the East Coast. In touch with highschool friends. Closer to God. We predicted for each other who would stay in school the longest, who would marry first, and who would leave Indiana the soonest. Can ten years really be upon us imminently?

Whether dreaming and forecasting on warm summer nights, making bold claims as a child to "be somebody" in the future, or breathing silent prayers to God, we are hardwired to establish expectations for our lives. I form these expectations so quietly and sometimes unconsciously that I am surprised by how strong they become.

The pain comes for me when I have not hit the "road markers" that I have established for myself on schedule or at all. This weekend I was broken by the feeling that my reality is nowhere near my scheduled expectations. I am not the guy I thought I would be in 10 years that summer night: in life, in love, in family, in academics, in career - and that is both humbling and painful. Some of these deviations from "The Plan" were by choices and decisions I made, while others were beyond my control. Some are marked by relief and pride while others regret and disappointment. I find myself saying, "This is not where I was supposed to be. This is not the right story. What happened here, Lord?" I have spent many a night weeping over the chasm between my life and the "should-have-been" story - not only based on my expectations but also those of my family and friends (more accurately, my perspective of the expectations of my family and friends). Sometimes I believe that I must be such a disappointment to my parents...to a certain friend...to God.

Where do these thoughts come from? Why do we beat ourselves up over not reaching these sometimes nebulous milestones? Perhaps it is culture - of the United States, of the church. Perhaps it is actual pressures we feel therein to fit the mold of a successful human being. Maybe it is a perversion of a divine calling to be a visionary without complete and paralyzing self-absorption. Exploring the etiology of our frustration in the "gap" is beyond the scope of this post. I just know that it is real and that it is painful.

This weekend, our gifted new pastor challenged us to examine what our reaction would be to God calling us to be a leader. This message is part of a series, "God Messes Up My Plans...", exploring the interface between our desires and the purposes of God for our lives. As he talked about being a leader, I thought, "I so want to be in the place with myself, the world, and God where I can be a resolved, confident leader in this life." I want to be a man who lives deeply out of a wealth of faith and hope, that breathes life into the weary soul, that helps soothe the ailments of the sick and bruised.

I heard back simply: "My grace is sufficent for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9).

That sounded like an invitation to me - an invitation to pursue my vision as a leader with trust in His sufficient grace and empowerment for successes and times of fulfillment, as well as periods of dissatisfaction and disappointment.

I do not think I can keep myself from projecting 10-year vision plans and establishing daily objectives for myself as a student, a brother, a friend. However, I think I can more healthily approach this time in the gap - between my formed expectations and reality. I do not believe we were supposed to dwell in this place where regret and sadness insidiously paralyze us and fear and self-absorption become our closest companions. We will never grow or lead while trapped in this position. Rather, we were made for lives of peace and joy, lived on behalf of each other and God. I believe the Divine is able to use (and is using) our reality for His purposes and perhaps His seemingly silent workings in this place we find ourselves in is better than any 10-year plan that we could have conceived.

From the healing scars and half-baked musings of this 26 year-old is an invitation to trust that "sufficient grace" enough to step away from the devastating chasm between our expectations and reality into a daily believing that God is using our today for good and for His glory - surely peace and true fulfillment are found here. Ebenezer.